life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
