my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
