This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
