I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The power of my boobs compel you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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