Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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