My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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