my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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