i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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