Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
organizing the empties. That sober.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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