I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
