One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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