Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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