One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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