Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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