i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
