god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
