A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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