my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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