So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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