they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
