That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
