Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
