they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
