I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Randomize
