That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
