Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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