I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
