you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
