My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
