Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
