I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
