Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
