rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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