Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
