I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
