Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
