As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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