I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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