So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
