Can i not drive my cunt home
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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