Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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