I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
