so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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