I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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