this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You're earring is so big in my mouth
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
