2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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