i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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