Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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