My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
