Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
grandma shit on top of the toilet
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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