Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
