The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
