I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
