Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
