i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
